Scat Hunt and Unmedicated: A Documentary

As my girls and I and my nephew, Jacob, loaded into the minivan this afternoon for a quick drive to the park, I noticed Madeline had a large plastic bag, and inside it was a roll of paper towels, a handful of Ziplock baggies, and one of my better spoons.

"Whatcha taking that stuff for, Maddie?"

"When we get to the park, I'm taking the nature trail and going on a scat hunt!"

"Oh. Sounds cool."

Maddie is the kid who stored dissected rat parts under her bed for further inspection and forgot about them. She loves science and animals and Egypt. Oh, and space and conspiracy theories. That's my Maddie.

We arrived at the park and Madeline took her hunting gear and went on her way. The little kids and their twelve year old cousin, Jacob, played on the really cool playground equipment and Courtney, my ninth grader, lied on the ground having a Drama Queen moment. "I'm so BORED! I hate this park. There is NOTHING to do in this town! If we lived in New York City, there would always be something to do. Can't we move there, Mom? PLEASE?"

Now, Jacob is hyperactive. Real Hyperactive. And, he's obsessed with poop. Farts. Doo-doo. Crap. Turds. I have no sons, so I'm not sure how normal it is for a seventh grade boy to talk non-stop about fecal matter, but this boy is just gross. Love him, but he's icky. And, as I mentioned, hyper. He was irritating every little kid on the playground. He was irritating me.

I noticed Courtney had gotten up from her grassy bed of lament and was following Jacob around with her hand cupped in a "C" shape near her eye.

"What are you doing, Court?"

"I'm making an imaginary film. I'm calling it 'Unmedicated: A Documentary' --I think I can get funding from Seroquel. Sorry, Tom Cruise."

At least she was keeping track of Jacob.

Madeline returned with a few baggies full of scat. She was so proud of it. I sat down with her on a big rock while she identified it for me.

"This is squirrel scat."

"Looks like some kind of berry, doesn't it?"

"No, it's squirrel scat."

"Cool!"

Jacob wandered over and said, "I smelled a squirrel fart. That one over there keeps rippin' 'em."

Maddie ignored him and carried on. "This is raccoon scat."

"I sure you are right about the squirrel scat, but I think you've got dog poop in that baggy Madeline."

"It's definitely raccoon scat, MOM. I found it by that tree way over there."

By the tree where only raccoons go potty, I guess. The official park Raccoon Restroom where no dog would dare deposit doo doo.

"Well, if you think so. Now, what do you plan to do with the scat now? I really don't want it in the car, Sis."

"MOM! Why not?! I won't forget it in there, I promise!"

"Throw it away before we leave. Sorry, but no scat in the van."

Finally it was time to go. Thank goodness. We all climbed in the van. Jacob immediately said it smelled like poop.

"Good grief, Jacob, stop it with the potty talk! I'm really sick of it!"

But Chloe said, "Mom, it really does smell like poop back here!"

Immediately I knew the culprit. "Madeline, did you bring the scat into the van!?"

She said not a word, but opened the sliding door and deposited her scat bags into the nearest trash can.

I'm not sure how much more Fall Break I can handle.