Monday, September 28, 2009

Red-Eyed and Blue: Don't Do Dope

Since leaving Mormonism, I've learned to enjoy a few good drinks. I like rum and Coke and bourbon and Coke. I like margaritas on the rocks with salt on the rim, especially with a plate-full of enchiladas and beans. I like the simplicity of Grey Goose with a splash of cranberry juice. I like good beer with a slice of pizza.

I also like coffee--but not black. I don't want to grow hair on my chest, thank-you-very-much. I want cream and sugar, and, if I'm feeling really decadent, a little chocolate, too.

One thing I haven't done since leaving Mormonism is drugs. I don't have any intention or desire to ever use drugs. But, I did get the chance to try marijuana at an Ex-Mormon conference three years ago, and my response to the offer has been good for dozens of laughs since.

It was after a Saturday evening dinner. Some folks, who I still consider wonderful, approached me and asked if I wanted to go upstairs and smoke. One of them made some kind of hand signal near his mouth, but I didn't understand what he meant. I immediately thought of cigarettes. "No, thanks. I don't smoke."

"Not that kind of smoking. The good kind."

I got it then. My jaw hit the floor, I think. I'd never before been offered drugs or asked to use them. Not once. Not in high school or in college. Having been a child of the 80's, I instinctively recalled the lesson I learned from Nancy Reagan and said, probably too loudly and definitively, "NO!" I said it just like Nancy told me to.

The weed smokers thought my answer was hilarious for some reason, but said, "That's cool." and went on their way.

I was just shocked that adults smoked marijuana and even more shocked that they'd asked if I wanted some. Immediately, I called home. I was almost frantic. Courtney answered.

" won't believe it!"

"What, mom?"

"They asked me to do dope!!"


"Yeah, some folks here asked me if I wanted to do dope! And I said 'No!'"

(Out of control laughter on the other end of the phone.)

Ever since, my girls will sometimes warn me when I'm ready to leave the house, "Watch out! Someone might ask you to do dope!" Or, "Don't do dope, Momma! Don't do it!"

Maybe I'm uncool or naive or prudish, but I don't care.

I don't do dope.



  1. Pot stinks. I don't like the smell and it makes my eyes burn. I've never smoked it (asthma) been I have a lot of friends who do. If you're going to do drugs, go straight to the hard stuff. H. Horse. Heroin. No sense in messing around with the other crap. ;)

  2. I'm guessing no one is surprised at the goings on at an ex-Mormon conference.

  3. I was 27 years old the first time I was offered pot. My jaw didn't exactly hit the floor, but the people did act surprised when I turned it down.

  4. I've never done drugs, either. Kudos to you.

  5. Ha, I love my alcohol now, but have no desire to do drugs!